What About My Teen?

Relationship abuse is not just an adult problem; it also happens with teens and we have to become more aware of the realities of relationship violence among young people.  Dating violence is directly related to domestic violence, and is an issue faced by many teenagers.  Yet 81% of parents surveyed either do not know, or do not believe, dating violence is an issue for their teen (Women's Health, 2004).  There are a number of reasons for this lack of understanding and acceptance.  Often teens are hesitant to discuss such sensitive issues with their parents.  Some parents may think their teen is immune from dating violence because of the way they were raised, or perhaps it was never an issue for them; therefore, they believe it will never be an issue for their teen.  However, abuse is something that transcends every boundary within our society.  Regardless of gender, race, socio-economic class or religion, abuse can happen to your teen.  It is imperative that parents educate themselves and their teenager about the facts and issues of dating violence.

Types of Abuse

  • Physical abuse is the use of force against another person in a way that ends up injuring a person, or puts the person at risk of being injured.  Examples of physical abuse are hitting, kicking, pushing, restraining, reckless driving and threatening with a weapon.  Bruises and unexplained injuries can be signs of physical abuse.

  • Emotional abuse is any attempt to control another person by having control over self-esteem or self-image. It can be verbal or nonverbal and consists of more subtle actions and behaviors than physical abuse.  While physical abuse might seem worse, the scars of verbal and emotional abuse are deep.  Emotional abuse includes yelling, threatening, isolating, embarrassing and insulting.   Frequent apologies and excuses by a teen for his/her girlfriend or boyfriend may be evidence that he/she is involved in a unhealthy relationship.

  • Sexual abuse is forcing someone to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity.  This includes sexual harassment (ridiculing another person to try to limit his/her sexuality) and sexual exploitation (forcing someone to look at pornography or forcing someone to participate in the production of pornographic material).  A teen who withdraws from family, friends, hobbies, and activities may be in an abusive relationship. 

Recognizing the Warning Signs

It is important that parents learn to recognize the warning signs of a potentially dangerous relationship.   Since parents cannot be around their teens and  dating partners all the time, they need to pay close attention as to what their teenagers say about their dating partners.

 

 

Red Flags in Relationships

Is your teen's boyfriend/girlfriend:

  • Jealous and/or possessive?

  • Controlling and/or bossy?

  • Hypersensitive and/or quick tempered, with a history of fighting?

  • Threatening and/or violent toward him/her or other people?

  • Intimidating and/or manipulative?

  • Isolating and/or secretive?

Does the dating partner:

  • Have a highly aggressive personality?

  • Abuse children and/or animals?

  • Roughhouse inappropriately?

  • Make inappropriate comments?

  • Show up unexpectedly and/or uninvited?

  • Constantly call to check up?

  • Force the victim to "check-in"?

  • Give orders and make all decisions?

  • Refuse to allow normal contact with family and friends?

  • Try to humiliate him/her?

  • Call the teen names and insult him/her?

  • Accuse the teen of having no sense of humor?

  • Accuse the teen of being provocative?

  • Force him/her to have sex?

  • Use alcohol or drugs and pressure him/her to do the same?

Has the dating partner:

  • Attempted or threatened to commit suicide if he/she leaves the relationship or doesn’t do what he/she wants?

  • Harassed or threatened him/her or former dating partners?

  • Refused to accept the end of the relationship?

Does your teen:

  • Seem afraid of how his/her partner might react?

  • Appear obsessed with pleasing his/her partner?

  • Withdraw from family, friends, hobbies, and activities?

  • Apologize frequently or make up excuses for the abuser?

  • Have unexplained injuries?

  • Mention partner's violence, but laugh it off?

These warning signs and red flags serve as important indicators that a relationship may be unhealthy.  If you believe that your teen, or perhaps one of his/her friends, may be in an abusive relationship, the next step is to make yourself a resource by talking to him/her about his/her situation.

Talking to Teens

Talking to teenagers about dating violence can be uncomfortable.  Involving another person in the discussion may help you and your teen feel more at ease about discussing such a personal and sensitive issue.  Be sure to invite someone who both you and your teen are comfortable with, perhaps a close friend or another family member.

If you suspect abuse, it may be ineffective to make verbal allegations to your teen.  This may backfire and your teen might not respond to your concern. It is important that you be compassionate but direct when you are talking to your teen.  Using open-ended questions is an essential key to constructive communication.   If you have seen bruises, say, "I notice that you have a bruise on your arm; is everything okay?  Did something happen?"  Listen patiently and attentively.   Be sure to express to your teen in as many ways as possible that it is not his/her fault and he/she does not deserve to be treated in an abusive manner.

Teens may fear the repercussions of admitting to  the abuse.  They may be afraid that their parents will take away dating privileges or punish them.  Since victims are frequently blamed by their abusers for what happens in their relationships, they think everyone is going to blame them.  It is imperative that you help the victim realize he/she did nothing wrong. 

If your teen reveals that he/she is being abused, it is important to remain calm.  Do not respond with anger and threaten the abuser.  Be sure to express your frustration when your teen is not around.   Let your teen know that what has happened is NOT okay, but it is not his/her fault.  Assure your teen that you are there to help him/her and you will help him/her get out of the situation.

Breaking Up is Hard

When someone is abused, he/she is faced with a choice to remain in the relationship or to end it.  If abuse happens once, it WILL happen again and the abuse WILL become more severe.  Victims compromise their safety when they remain with an abuser.   The best option is to end the relationship.  This may be difficult for the victim for a variety of reasons.  Some abusive partners may attempt or threaten to commit suicide or may threaten to do harm to the victim or the victim's family. In addition, the victim may:

  • Be unable to identify what is happening to him/her as abuse.

  • Not want to be alone.

  • Want to maintain social status.

  • Confuse jealousy and possessiveness with love.

  • Not want to disappoint his/her parents.

  • Feel the abuse is his/her fault.

What to Expect with a Break Up

Breaking up may be very difficult for your teen. It is important that you are ready to offer ongoing support.  Ending a relationship is a process, not an isolated event.  It is not uncommon that victims may waiver in their decision to break up.  They may want to return to the relationship, before they realize the need for closure.  Remember that criticizing the abuser will not work.  Take your teen's fears and feelings seriously.

 

Teaching Teens  about Healthy Relationships

There are many things that you can do to help your teen find and maintain a healthy relationship.  Let him/her know that you are there, if she/he ever needs to talk about the issues.  Open communication is the most important part of helping your teen in his/her relationships.

  • Instruct your teen to trust his/her instincts.  Educate your teen about the myths and expectations of dating.  If they are uncomfortable in a situation or they feel as though things are not right, they should respond to that feeling.

  • Encourage your teen to spend time with his/her boyfriend or girlfriend in a group setting.  Whether with a group of friends or your family, this will allow your teen to interact with his/her partner in front of others.  This interaction may give you and others the opportunity to observe the relationship.  It is important that you meet your teen's friends and dating partners.

  • Advise your teen that he/she can call you if something makes him/her uncomfortable on a date.  Develop a code word or phrase they can use when they call so you know they need help.

  • Explain your own values about dating to your teen and form a "Dating Covenant" with your teen.  Empower your teen to make healthy choices.

  • Let them know they can talk to you and help them to identify other places they can go for help.

Involvement is the key to preventing dating violence.

Resources

There are many resources available to you.  Accept that you may not have all the answers, but there are places to go where you can receive assistance for your teen's situation.  You're teen's school may be able to offer assistance.  The counseling office will know where you can turn for help and can provide the support your teen will need on campus.  If you feel as though your child is in danger, call the police IMMEDIATELY!

Another valuable resource is SafeHaven of Tarrant County.  Our 24-Hour Hotline is available to answer any questions you have.  Please feel free to call us. 

 Toll-Free SafeHaven 24-Hour Hotline  1-877-701-SAFE (7233)

National Domestic Violence Hotline     1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

All calls are confidential!

 
 

    24 Hour Hotline

    1-877-701-7233

 

    Arlington Resource

    Center

    817-548-0583

 

    Ft. Worth Counseling

    Center

    817-536-5496

 

    SafeHaven

    Administration

    817-535-6462

 

SafeHaven Mailing Address

6815 Manhattan Blvd.

Suite 105

Fort Worth, Texas 76120